Ger

BS''D

Why? Almost every person I have met since has asked me this question when they find out I am converting. Though an understandable question, It always seems to be asked as sort of a reflex. It doesn't matter when or where we are, it just immediately erupts out like an "what happened" When someone passes. Both of these questions seem normal to the person asking, and (in my view point) are the opposite for the person being inquired upon. "How could you just ask in passing about an event in my life that has so altered it that it has become unrecognizable?" This is sometimes what goes through my head as it must for someone in the other scenario. now the difference between the two is obvious, one is a tragedy with only the healing of the wound to look forward to. whereas, In my case, The former is also experience that is painful and tragic but at the same time somehow beyond words. and this is the trouble, it is beyond words.
I always try to answer as best I can. It tell them about Torah Mitzvos, and Avodas ''. I also try to give them a rundown of the last 5 years or so that I've been moving in this direction. AS true as these answers are, none of them ever seem to encompass why. Why I want, Have, need to be Jewish. All I want to shout is "IT IS NOT A LOGICAL DECISION!" I did not choose to want to be Jewish. Any proof I could ever need of this comes from the hardest person to answer this question to, my Mother. Telling your crying mother why you just have to do something that, to her, means you won't be in heaven with her, that means you can never eat her cooking from her kitchen, and that she is going to have to spend all the holidays with the family without her oldest son is not something that is logical or easy. This is part of the story I do not usually share because it is not easy to explain. What there could be that would cause me to make this decision. I love my family very much, and we still have a good relationship, but there will always be a wedge between us. My family will always be the most important thing in the world to me, but this will always be there.
Despite all of this, It is the issue itself that comforts me. Thoughts of being able to wrap tefillin, getting an Aliyah, having my purpose in this world being making it truly better through Torah and Mitzvos. The thought that one day I get to (G-d Willing!) Have my own family, my own children! I will be able to give them something I never had, a Jewish home! I can Serve G-d in everything I do, and try to live my life as the best frum Jew, the best chossid I can be. I expect to fall sort of this goal as a Chossid unfortunately more frequently than I would like, becoming a Ger means that now you are a Jew that makes mistakes, instead of just a person that makes mistakes. but nonetheless, I would rather fail 100 times at being a good Jew, than face life as a perfect non-Jew. I want all of these things and I can't really tell you why because I don't really know. But I do know that whatever it takes to become this, I will do.
There is a lot more I would like to say about this but I'm tired and about out of time. I hope that no one thinks that I don't want to be asked this question "why?" I do! Its just that when I hear it, I am flooded with all of this and more and just can't seem to find the words, if there are any, that can really convey what is in my head and heart.
sorry about the long and random post, I just have been asked a lot recently and been found wanting for an answer, so I just needed to say this. and so everyone knows, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I hope every has a great shabbos! and I will be wishing I was spending it with my favorite people. take care!